How To Lead – The Authentic Way

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“At the end of the day people won’t remember what you said or did, they will remember how you made them feel.”
― Maya Angelou

A friend recently told me about a boss he had when working in the oil patch thirty years ago. Anyone who has worked on the rigs knows that the typical boss in that world is a brutal, kick a** individual. It isn’t uncommon that the first mistake you make is the last.

But my friend’s boss was, in his words, a “generation ahead of himself.” If you made a mistake, he would carefully go through what happened, discuss your rationale for your actions, and talk about what you learned. Then he would respectfully go through a list of the expectations and how you could make improvements going forward. At the end – and this is what stood out for my friend – he would shake your hand. It was clear that you were trusted, respected, and expected to be accountable.

Every morning he would have the team gather for a 15-20 minute informal coffee. This was a chance to learn something about what was going on in people’s lives away from work, and for him to get to know his team. If guys came in hungover or half-drunk he would respectfully send them on their way.

This leader had an authentic way of creating a safe and respectful place to work – even though he wouldn’t use those words. His approach wasn’t about techniques or gimmicks or management fads. It came from his human goodness. It was his presence not his position.

This man set the benchmark for my friend’s leadership philosophy for his entire career. The impact on his life and his leadership lasted a lifetime.

Leaders truly create ripples in time that extend for generations.

Let us make a resolve to be a better leader today by being a better person.

Let us re-commit to leadership – the authentic way.

Town of Cochrane at their annual Health and Safety Day

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This past week I had the good fortune of presenting to all the staff at the Town of Cochrane at their annual Health and Safety Day. These were a team of dedicated individuals who are committed to helping keep Cochrane an incredible place to live and visit.

Thanks to all the Town of Cochrane employees for all you do. Stay safe. Be well. And know that every one of you makes a difference to our community.

Psychological Safety – What Horses Have To Teach Us

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This past weekend I had the good fortune of attending Wayfinder Wellnesses’ Equine Wellness Workshop https://lnkd.in/gcNNTN_r

It’s based on the principle that horses are good for the human spirit. It was a program open to First Responders, Military, Veterans, and their Spouses who have been psychologically injured in their work.

We learned, through an incredibly safe and supportive environment, how to connect with and make friends with ourselves by learning to make friends with these incredibly sensitive and wise animals.

In just a few hours, I got a taste of the deeply healing power of establishing a trusting relationship with horses by learning to partner with them.

Here’s some of what I came away with:

  • Communication starts with knowing and accepting where you’re at.
  • Be in the moment.
  • Make a friend.
  • Learn to listen.
  • Find your balance.
  • Discover inner peace.
  • Build your confidence.
  • Be part of a herd.
  • Feel safety and security.

If you would like to learn more about my approach to psychological safety, I hope you’ll join me on Thursday for this week’s monthly complimentary webinar: https://lnkd.in/d37Prt4a

Psychological Safety: It Starts With Self-Awareness

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Your first and most important responsibility as a leader is to create a safe environment where people can bring their whole self to their work. So how do you know if people feel safe? How do you know whether people fully trust you? How do you know if people are secretly looking for a job somewhere else because of their relationship with you?

It starts with self-awareness. You simply don’t know what you don’t know. This is one of the driving forces behind the SAGE Forums. We want to help you become self-aware in a small community of like-minded, diverse individuals who will help reveal your blind spots, help hold you accountable for making the necessary changes, and give you the needed support to stay on track.

We’d love to have you be a part of our community. Remember: You aren’t alone. For information our SAGE Forums, check out our website: https://davidirvine.com/sage-forums/

 

LOOKING INTO THE SHADOWS: How Turning On The Light Can Nurture Psychological Safety

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“This thing of darkness I acknowledge mine. There is nothing more confining than the prison we don’t know we are in.”  – William Shakespeare
An executive I am coaching recently shared his 360 data where his direct reports expressed that they didn’t feel safe around him; that his unpredictable volatility and insensitivity created an environment that was not conducive to engagement and high performance. He believed that their response was an excuse for poor performance, and they lacked a solid work ethic, using the current remote working environment to “cop out.”
It’s not easy to hear tough feedback and see our blind spots, but it’s essential in personal and professional growth. We are in an era of daily change and uncertainty. This is a time for leaders to create and protect the space for everyone to feel psychologically safe. The first step in cultivating that environment is to reflect on ourselves as leaders – and that begins with understanding and accepting those uncomfortable truths, which I refer to as shadow work. Psychological safety around us begins with psychological safety within us.
While it’s often encouraged to focus on the light, it doesn’t make the dark go away.
The dark is just on the other side, waiting for a time to show its face. And if we don’t have the courage to bring it into the light of our awareness, we can inadvertently hurt ourselves or others. Shadow work, in its simplest form, is looking inward for what we had hidden earlier in our lives, and gradually healing those aspects of ourselves. Kimberly Fosu speaks about this in her blog, Shadow Work: A Simple Guide to Transcending The Darker Aspects of Yourself.
Let’s say that a girl is born with a strong sense of self. She knows who she is; she knows what she likes and doesn’t like; she asks for what she wants and she isn’t afraid to speak her mind! She is a strong little girl, but she is raised in a family that doesn’t know what to do with her spirit and constantly tells her to tone it down because it’s “too much.”
In order to survive, she rejects the parts of herself that are strong and confident. She grows up to be quiet, sweet, and obedient. Then, when she turns forty, she doesn’t understand why her life is so painful. The truth is, she suppressed important aspects of herself and thus feels divided. She won’t be able to feel psychologically safe – or fully create safety around her – until she does her shadow work to discover and embrace who she was meant to be.
Here’s a few things we know about shadow work:
1. It takes courage to meet with your shadow. 
When you start shadow work, you may feel the resistance you felt as a child, and the desire to keep suppressing these aspects of yourself. To become aware of something, you have to choose to see it. We are unaware of the shadow in the same way we can’t see in the darkness – we often even coach children to not be afraid of the dark. Once you turn on the light of awareness and embrace the hidden aspects of yourself that seem to be extremely uncomfortable, you open your eyes to a whole new side of yourself that you had no idea existed. If you are worried about what you might find, there is probably something important you don’t want to revisit. Instead of continuing to avoid it, you can see it as one more reason to do shadow work. This work is necessary if you want to be an authentic leader and fully realize your capacity to impact the world.
2. Become aware of your shadow. 
Ask yourself: “Was I completely accepted as a child? How did I feel most of the time? What was expected of me and what behaviors and emotions were judged by the people who raised me?” Your response to those behaviors that were judged created a shadow aspect within you. The answers to these questions will open the door to what is hidden. The shadow often finds roots in your childhood. The most important step in doing shadow work is to become aware of what is concealed. Shine a light on it to bring it out of the darkness. No matter how long you avoid looking at your shadow self, it will keep manifesting into your reality until you pay attention to it. The self that is fractured seeks to become unified, and we will be presented with opportunities to see the aspects of ourselves we have suppressed, rejected, denied, and disowned. The more you become aware of your shadow self and embrace it with some compassion, the freer you are to welcome your authentic self.
3. Shadow work is about making the unconscious conscious and the unacceptable acceptable. 
We become adults and feel we should be able to handle life better, yet we often keep falling into the same unhealthy patterns. That’s because the shadow operates outside of our conscious awareness, in the form of unconscious and limiting beliefs. The goal of shadow work is integration and appreciation – fully seeing and embracing all the aspects of yourself that make you who you are. Within your wounds lie some of your greatest and most important gifts that have yet to be unearthed.
4. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.  
Acceptance is a requirement. The minute you say something about you is “bad,” you have a reason to suppress, ignore, and deny it. Once you become aware of your shadow self, don’t shame it or blame it. Instead, give it your full acceptance. Your shadow was born from non-acceptance and rejection in the first place. It was created the moment you began to push it away. Antagonizing the shadow even more only adds fuel to the fire. The shadow is part of who you are, so look at it from a place of appreciation. Everyone has gone through a difficult time in their life that created shadows within them. Make peace with your shadow so you can find peace. Shadow work is a great way to experience inner healing and transformation through self-awareness and self-acceptance.
5. Recognize – and appreciate – triggers.
Have you ever met the most gentle, sweetest, and kind person, and in the blink of an eye something happens, and this person turns into someone else? They become mean and scary; they throw a huge tantrum or freak out. The shadow part took over when they got triggered. Triggers have the power to turn lives upside down and destroy the most cherished relationships. They spark a highly charged emotional reaction and are messengers from your shadow self. They are reflections of deep unresolved wounds that you have suppressed.  See your triggers as an invitation to delve deeper into things you are unaware of.
We are constantly evolving as leaders. Our awareness evolves as well as our ability to respond to that awareness. The authentic journey is just that – a journey into becoming more fully who we are. It’s not a destination. It’s a method of travel. While working with the shadow is about integration, you can never be completely integrated. It’s a life-long journey. Embrace it with awareness and self-compassion. Doing shadow-work means coming to know and accepting these hidden aspects of ourselves that, at some point down the road, will result in authentic self-acceptance and genuine compassion for others. In the words of Dumbledore: “Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”

How To Deal With a Psychologically Unsafe Workplace – The Authentic Way

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For those who were able to attend our webinar on Psychological Safety we want to thank you for attending and for the overwhelmingly positive responses. If you missed it, here is the link: https://youtu.be/80oVGPcXimc
Please pass along this link to anyone you believe would find value from it. Our hope is that it will generate some productive dialogue with your team and the people in your life.
The number one question we received from the webinar is, “How do you effectively deal with a psychologically unsafe workplace?”
Here are ten suggested strategies. We get it. You’re likely busy today. If you don’t have time to read all these go straight to the last one.
We sincerely hope to see you in the upcoming Masterclass.
Know you aren’t alone. When you are in an unsafe situation and feel like you can’t be honest, it’s natural to feel isolated and alone. However, in reality, everyone meets this kind of experience at some point in their life and chances are many of your colleagues are dealing with the same experience. You’ll want to resist the tendency to create a “culture of complainers,” but it is important to create a support network – people who provide encouragement and who challenge each other to take responsibility to change.
Be honest about the avoidance and assess your investment. Reflect on how you have avoided facing the reality of the situation. Hiding is an understandable and human response, done in a variety of ways: gossiping, complaining, blaming, or simply withdrawing. Although it is safe for a while, the problem with hiding is that you stay stuck wherever you are hiding. Honestly and carefully evaluate if you are committed to facing this. It is a risk to courageously stand up in any relationship that does not feel safe. We can’t promise that this will be an easy, comfortable journey or that it will result in a transformed workplace or relationship. What we can guarantee is that you will come out of it a better, stronger person.
Connect before you expect. This is a fundamental leadership principle that we teach in all of our leadership programs. However, it doesn’t only apply to your team or to the important relationships in your life. It can also apply to people that you don’t feel safe around. Before going any further, be sure that you have done everything you can as far as encouragement, appreciation, recognition, and commitment to your work.
Identify precisely what you don’t feel psychologically safe about. Ambiguity is a formula for mediocrity. If you are going to change something, you have to shift from a vague, inarticulate emotion to a well-defined understanding of the problem. For example, do you feel judged, dismissed, or evaluated unfairly – and if so, how? Do you feel someone is bullying or harassing you – and if so, what exactly are they doing? Do you feel that someone in a position of authority is expecting something from you that compromises you in some way – and if so, what exactly are they demanding? Do you feel like your ideas are not respected and valued – and if so, how?
Distinguish between safety and security. Safety is not the same as security. Safety is external in that it originates from the environment around you; security, on the other hand, is internal. It originates from within you. While the line between the two is sometimes muddled, be careful that you don’t expect your boss to make you comfortable, secure in your position, or happy. Facing some discomfort, increasing your confidence, and growing your job satisfaction are on you, not your boss.
Face the lack of safety responsibly. Approach the person you don’t feel safe around, or your manager, with both honesty and personal responsibility. This means being as precise as possible about what is happening – without blame and without compromising who you are. Express your commitment to do your part to learn from the experience and to make the necessary changes on your end, without diminishing your self-respect.
Control what you can. It’s never a good investment of time or energy to attempt to change another person. If you set out to change someone else, you’re destined for frustration and despair. It’s simply not realistic. That said, although we can’t completely control the world around us, we can influence how we act within it and the way we react to it. Each person’s behavior impacts the formation of an organization’s culture, and your small, seemingly insignificant contribution does matter, even though its impact might not be immediately apparent.
Ask for an agreement. While listening to the response to your concerns and requests, at some point you need to identify a clear request and get a well-defined agreement as to whether the person you don’t feel safe around will make the necessary changes. What is within your sphere of influence is to identify a request and seek an agreement to respond to that desire.
Weigh your options. If there is no good will, the responsibility lies on you to assess whether it supports your self-respect to stay in that relationship. One option is to leave. Another is to decide to leave at a later date. Another option is to stay as authentic as you can be and remain in the relationship even if it isn’t 100% safe. Another option is to continue to hide in a toxic situation and avoid facing the reality. What’s important is to recognize that the choice lies in your hands.
Assess your growth – and persist. Every challenge creates a growth opportunity. While you may find yourself saying, “Enough already! I’ve had enough growth opportunities this past year to last a lifetime!” keep your chin up and keep walking. Know that if you are committed to staying authentic, growth will be your reward. Dag Hammarskjöld, the Swedish economist and diplomat who served as the second Secretary-General of the United Nations, put it this way: “When the morning’s freshness has been replaced by the weariness of midday, when the leg muscles quiver under the strain, when the climb seems endless, and suddenly, nothing will go quite as you wish – it is then that you must not hesitate.”
A psychologically unsafe workplace is not something anyone should have to tolerate, but unfortunately this is the reality for far too many. For committed leaders, creating a psychologically safe workplace is among the most important steps you can take. For those grappling with how to deal with the situation, sometimes the best you can do is to honestly face your emotions and find a residue of growth. What’s important is your own self-respect. Don’t let anyone take this from you.
Feel free to reach out to us for support or guidance.