Can you be too vulnerable as a leader?

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Is there such a thing as giving “too much information” as a leader?

We want to show up as our authentic selves, but is there a line that should not be crossed?

I had a client who told me she no longer believed in authenticity.

“I lost all my credibility being authentic. I had learned that authenticity builds trustworthiness, so I was honest with my new team and told them how insecure I felt coming into the new role and wasn’t sure if I was up to the task. They all shut down on me. I couldn’t earn their trust or get a grip on the results that we needed. After four months of frustration, I found a new job in a new organization.”

“That’s not authenticity,” I told her. That’s therapy.”

Don’t expect your team to fix you or straighten you out or look after you. Bring your problems to your therapist (or coach or confidant). Bring your solutions to your team. That’s authenticity.

Once you unpack your fears, doubts, insecurities, and connect with your humanness, you can go to your team and convey your confidence to them. You are then ready, in a real way, to enlist their support for your cause. Being authentic doesn’t mean allowing your fears to take over. It means being honest with yourself and another trusted person who can support you to bring your whole self to what you do.

To dive more deeply into the topic of authenticity, join me in my next complimentary monthly webinar: https://lnkd.in/d37Prt4a

LIVING AND LEADING WITH AUTHENTICITY: How We’ve Missed The Mark – And How We Can Correct It

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A lightening rod attracts power by its mere presence.
The same goes for great leaders with substance, depth, and strength of character.
Authenticity has come under considerable criticism of late – and rightly so. Leaders have exposed too much of themselves in the wrong way and have lost credibility in an effort to be “authentic.” People justify hurting people by claiming that their actions reflect their “authentic self.” Others are using authenticity as an excuse to reject any form of “impression management” and their self-centered behavior diminishes trustworthiness. The real failures are those who have learned how to fake being authentic.
The problem isn’t authenticity. The problem is that authenticity is misunderstood.
While the statement, “to thine own self be true,” can be inspirational, it’s important to understand which self you are referring to when you decide to be true to it. Are you talking about your impulsive, emotional self? Your self-centered self? Your accountable self? Your insecure self? Or your true – authentic self? And how do you know the difference? Where is your road map to discover the difference? Where are your tools?
American philosopher, William James, said “there lies within every being a place where, when connected to it, we feel deeply and intensely alive. At such moments there is a quiet voice inside that says, ‘This is the real me.’” This is the home of your authentic self. And while finding and describing this place is as difficult as it is to describe why something is beautiful, here are three clues to know you are on the path to living and leading authentically.
Authenticity means:
  1. A sincere devotion to personal growth and self-awareness. Sincere is derived from the Latin ‘sine’ (without) and ‘cera’ (wax) or without wax. According to one popular explanation, dishonest sculptors in ancient Rome and Greece would cover flaws in their work with wax to deceive the potential buyer; therefore, a sculpture “without wax” would mean honesty in its imperfection. Authenticity is indicated by a level of comfort with one’s self and one’s cracks. This comes from a life-long commitment to knowing yourself. To quote Leonard Cohen, “Forget your perfect offering. There’s a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”
  2. A commitment to discern how you share your imperfection with the world. Authenticity isn’t about exposing yourself recklessly. Authenticity, by definition, requires a commitment to both honesty and respect. Indiscriminate spewing of your faults, weaknesses, and emotions is disrespectful to the people who depend on you. This is why a dedication to self-awareness is an indication of authenticity. Don’t turn your team into your therapist. Be 100% honest with your support system away from your work, so you can be comfortable with yourself when you get to work.
  3. Measure your life by how you make the world better. Anything short of an imperfect dedication to helping make a better world is not authentic. Caring about others and basic goodness is in our nature. Don’t mistake authenticity for a method of coping and surviving. For example, being a jerk is never authentic. No one is born a jerk. It’s not in our nature. Being a jerk is a coping response learned somewhere along the way. A sincere desire to serve a cause beyond self-interest is a necessary quality of authentic presence.

A Path To Better Leadership

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I recently was sitting with a friend while he was conversing with his sister who is single and worried that she won’t find a life-partner. She wanted advice from her brother. As I know them both well, she didn’t mind my listening in. ‘’How can I find a good husband?” she asked.

My friend’s response was, “Try being the kind of person that the kind of person you want, would want to be with.”

Here’s my take on my friend’s suggestion: If I ask, “How do I find the right partner?” before I ask “How do I become a loving person?” the result is likely to be a disaster because I first need to focus my attention on becoming a loving human being. First cultivate a life filled with compassion, and passion will be added to it. Search only for a great passion, and you will likely end up void of love.

Interestingly, this isn’t just a lesson about love; it’s a lesson for life. It’s about accountability. And it’s about leadership. When we ask, “How can we get better leaders – in our organization and in our country?” maybe we’re starting with the wrong question. Instead of seeking better leaders, maybe it’s more helpful to look in the mirror. “How can I be a better leader?” “How can I get better at what I expect from others?”

My notion is that rather than expecting others to be different, the path to better leadership is to be a better leader. We institutionally deny the fact that each of us – through our perceptions and our choices – is creating the culture that we so enjoy complaining about. Deciding that I have created the world around me – and therefore I am the one to step into healing it – is the ultimate act of accountability. Let’s stop complaining and start stepping up.

Boxes, Presents, and Presence…

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Boxes, Presents, and Presence…

This past weekend my sister was visiting. During our time together, we went through the “boxes.” You know the “boxes.” Ones you dig out of the basement that have old “stuff“ like your parents’ grade school report cards or your junior high basketball trophies or the letters your mother wrote to you while you were at summer camp.

Amidst the boxes, one box in particular intrigued me. It was a box of cards congratulating my parents when I was born. In those days mothers stayed in the hospital long enough that the address on the envelopes was the maternity ward at the hospital.

Yes, these were real cards. Hand-written. With a return address and a stamp. Placed in the mailbox and addressed to my parents. Thirty-six of them in total. The moment I opened that box I realized I wasn’t just born into a family; I was born into a community.

Although there isn’t anything particularly unusual about a box of thirty-six hand-written cards, imagine the undertaking of each card: going to the store, carefully choosing a card, crafting a thoughtful message, buying a stamp. Then going to the post box to send them off – at least an hour for each card.

Recently, my niece had a baby and we sent a quick post on Facebook, and a text with a few emojis congratulating her. All told, it took about sixty seconds.

I’m not suggesting we discard our devices and go back to the “good old days.” They weren’t actually the “good old days,” they were simply the old days with different challenges.

What I am suggesting is that there was some goodness that came out of those old days. There was some time, attention, and presence put into the process of securing, scripting and sending those cards.

Today, we claim to be clever people, efficient and high-powered with well-organized day-timers and to-do lists. But in our zeal to get things done, have we forgotten the simple art of connecting?

Let us make a firm resolve to take time to be present to the lives we live, to stop once in a while and be thoughtful and sensitive to the people we care about. Let us be good to ourselves and to the people around us.

Heroes, Hope, and The Human Experience

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You’ll never see a designer label on a hospital gown: Heroes, Hope, and The Human Experience.

Hospitals are strange places. Most of us are born in one. Many of us die in one. And in between, we may go there to spend the worst days of our lives.

Hospitals are the great levelers. No one knows – or even cares – what type of vehicle brought you there. There’s no designer label on a hospital gown. We’re stripped of our masks and facades, with nothing to hide behind, and you come face-to-face with your essential humanity.

The workers are dedicated to their jobs, doing their part to make the big human factory function as best it can. Everyone wants you out of there as soon as possible so they can make room for the next patient.

Caring isn’t on anyone’s job description but no matter where you go in the massive system, you find the heroes that care.

You’ll find Mary on Unit 83 who held my hand during the bleakest night who gently reassured me, “The third day after surgery is always the worst. It’ll pass by the morning.”

Or Pam, in radiology, who took the time took the time to sit and listen to me for ¾ of an hour while we waited for the radiologist.

Then there was the night I inadvertently pulled out a drainage tube and the nurse on duty seemed annoyed and irritated. When I commented, “It sounds like you’ve had a long night,” she responded apologetically. “I’m at the end of a double shift. We are short staffed and I’ve been here for almost sixteen hours.”

It was at that moment that I realized that these professionals would never abandon a patient. They truly are dedicated and caring human beings that we need to appreciate and celebrate.

International Women’s Day

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In recognition of International Women’s Day, here’s honouring the women in my life who have helped shape me and make me who I am and who are putting their heart into supporting our work of bringing authenticity to the world.